DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
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I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
this makes me so uncomfortable
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.