*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
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Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Meow
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.