“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
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eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
consequences, the bane of my existence
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”