professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
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I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.