I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
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*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
How dramatic are you?
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.