thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
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There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*