I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
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Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Siri, fight Alexa.