[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
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*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.