If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
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Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no