3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
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I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.