I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
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ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
When does CPR become necrophilia?
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.