I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
You Might Also Like
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Geez man, take it easy.
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”