I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
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*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.