a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
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Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?