Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
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It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
some cats are just doing for fun!
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.