Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
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Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.