What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
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I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
A little too much information.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.