The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
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Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
If snakes were wide
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.