Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
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Someone just threatened to call me later
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Me too, bag. Me too….
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.