At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
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My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
This story is comedy gold 😂