Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
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Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.