I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
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*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
*ernest hemingway voice*
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce