adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
You Might Also Like
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Netflix and you sit over there.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.