I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
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tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean