neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
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Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this