[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
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Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
This is the one
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.