*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
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I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
then why did i get this email