ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
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“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Mornin
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
i was baptized in a car wash
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.