My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
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I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
do what now??
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Room with a view.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Is anyone gonna tell them?
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!