Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
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If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨