My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
You Might Also Like
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”