*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
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Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?