Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
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So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*