Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
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I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise