Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
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I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.