(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
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[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.