Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
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[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.