me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
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A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Uh oh…
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry