Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
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a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
I hope Alan is OK
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
i meant to share this earlier
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!