Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
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I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
Mood.. 😂
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
My background check bounced.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.