I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
You Might Also Like
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
they should invent a rest for the wicked
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Feel. He’s so soft.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Love is always patient and kind.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!