[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
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Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.