wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
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*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes