[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
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Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside