Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
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Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
nice challenge
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.