West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
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In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
i could never be president. im overqualified.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
pelicons
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.