[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
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Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.