Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
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wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware