I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
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You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
g
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
(yawn)
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.