Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
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I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires